Was there ever a time in your life when you had a strong sense that one day God would call you to a do a certain thing for Him? You didn’t know how He would work it all out, but you were confident that in His time you would do this great thing for Him?
I did. I was 18 years old, and I was sure that God would use my life to touch other young girls who found themselves in my situation or to help prevent them from finding themselves there. I knew, or so I thought, that God would use me to further His kingdom in this way.
I find myself, at nearly 32 years of age, wondering if I missed it. Did I miss my chance to do great things for Him. Was He calling me, but I wasn’t listening? A flood of thoughts and reasons run through my mind as to why I never heard this calling.
And then I think I was never called to do this because I am not capable. It’s not my area of strength. My thoughts are turned toward Moses. Moses thought himself incapable of the task that God had for him, but he did it, not by his own will, but by the will of God working through him.
I was so sure that one day I would stand before a crowd of teenage girls and give my testimony and share my trials and struggles, and the triumph that I found when I placed my life fully in God’s hands, withholding nothing.
In reality, I have a hard time having a one-on-one conversation and getting my words out. I have been made more aware of this recently. I have known, pretty much forever, that I get nervous speaking in front of people. But it’s become more clear to me that I even have a difficult time
speaking with a close friend or family member, and clearly expressing my thoughts verbally. It’s in my head, it sounds good up there, but when I open my mouth, it comes out wrong. I don’t say at all what I’m trying to say and I end up feeling like a fool. When there is confrontation about an issue, it gets really bad. I know what I believe and why, but for me to get that out seems nearly impossible.
In October, I started leading a Moms in Prayer group. I had no idea how stretching this would be for me. I have been very humbled by this experience thus far. Even in a small group of 6-8 women, I cannot verbalize my prayers. The words just don’t come out the way they should. I find myself stumbling through the prayer time. I’m so thankful for this non-judgmental group of ladies.
If I can’t pray in a small group setting, how on earth did I think that God would call me to minister to large groups of girls? What was I thinking? Have I been fooling myself all this time?
I have recently been reminded of one event when I did share my story and talk with a group of girls. I never thought of that as being the “calling” I had been waiting for. I was probably about 22 or 23 years old and I shared with a small group of girls at a summer youth camp our church had started. I suppose I never thought of that as counting, because I didn’t feel like it reached anyone. I thought I said all the wrong things and left out the most important points that I had really wanted to get across. But honestly, I have no idea. That talk, with that small group of 10-12 girls, may have touched someones life that night. Maybe I did fulfill the calling that God had for me…one of the callings.
At this point in my life, I believe that my calling is to be a wife and mother. Some people are judgmental of stay-at-home moms, especially “in this economy”. But I believe there is no greater calling. Hearing your child sing along with a song like “ God’s not dead He’s surely alive, living on the inside roaring like a lion” is an awesome thing. Hearing your child pray for a child in their class that can’t speak or that has an anger issue is such a blessing! To know that I have raised my children to serve the Almighty God, gives me such a sense of “Yeah, I can do this. I’m right where I need to be.”
My prayer as of lately has been “Give me words to speak”; to my children, my husband, family members, friends, acquaintances. I find myself searching for the right words to say, but my words alone will never amount to anything. My words mean nothing without Christ in me.